Beach Rules – Life’s a Beach, then you die.

When I first heard that there was going to be a game with the mini-game potential of California Games, or T&C Surf Designs, my brain exploded through my eye sockets and the goo that was fantastic memories sprayed all over my monitor with such violent force I had to take a few moments to reconstitute myself before actually continuing. Yeah. I’m a nerd for mini-game games.

My only gripe with this entire game is the requirement to play lifeguard to day 20 of summer to unlock super mini-game fun land, which is kind of the reason I really want to love this game so much. Oh, and you can fail in your lifeguard duties for not upgrading your beach in the proper order. I had 4-5 people try to drown on day 4, and I only had one lifeguard. So, after cautiously making sure to play this game where I had to… sit around and click on kites and balls, and naked people on beaches, I had to start completely over because the only thing I want to do is try out all the mini-games and play those.

The graphics are adorable, “kawaii” style pixel art which explains quickly and with great detail, at the cost of being almost animoo. That’s okay. It’s not animoo.

Stole this Screenshot from”http://upcomingtop.com”, who probably stole it from someone else first. At least I gave credit where I found it, right? That’s not really classy, though, it’s probably owned by someone who has rights to it, right? So, I did a little bit of research, and I’m PRETTY sure it comes from IndieDB, which is a pretty kickass website if you’re into Indie Games. I’ll put a link at the bottom of the article because I can’t figure out how to do it here.

You’ll be spending a lot of time sitting on a screen and pressing A and D, sliding back and forth, clicking on nudists or cooking fires, or whatever else you shouldn’t have on your beach on a certain day. This isn’t terrible, it’s just… not for me, personally. This brings us a point that I want to discuss, about “game loop optimization” as all the new up-and-coming indie developers want to call it.

A game loop is… what you’re going to be doing most of the time, (for example, talking about people’s moms/respawning in CoD, or, making sick memes while buying the not yet in-game purchases for Star Citizen) making sure that game loop is “Fun” is optimization of said game loop. Both games I mentioned are SUPER good at making their loops… at least profitable, I don’t find either to be fun, but, a lot of people do. This game, I think it’s lack of optimization of said loop comes from a very different angle than most popular games… and that’s when you find something FUN in this game, it’s considered a bonus mission, or a side piece of gameplay, instead of the main dish.

I personally don’t find this game’s loop to be fun. It’s like, eating a whole plate of green beans so that I can have a tiny piece of steak that’s sitting on my plate. It’s supposed to be the other way around!

I have to tell myself, “That’s okay, I think that Civilization is fun, and most of my friends are of the opinion that Civilization is about 3 instances of flashbanging your whole team during an important encounter away from being your worst Counter-Strike partner ever.” (Suck it, Civ, I am the worst CS Teammate ever!) So, your personal mileage may vary, but, I’m not a huge fan.

So, if you like games that require paying attention, optimizing build order, and otherwise, chilling on a pixelated beach with almost animoo characters… this game might be for you.

The minigames themselves aren’t as in-depth as I was hoping for, but, they are really… gems, in their own right.

Soccer is built much like those old browser based billiards games, where you drag your cursor away from where you want to shoot your character. (Yes, he flies forward and that’s how you move the ball.) While being turn based, it requires a little more than average levels of Geometry to figure out how to cheat and score a goal from almost any position, and games like surfing or badminton are super challenging because you have to watch two separate areas at the same time, which is SUPER fun, and I can imagine a multiplayer mode would be incredibly competitive. I don’t even know how to explain it, other than moving your mouse and moving your character with WASD keys, so you’re aiming and moving but in different spots.

Beach Rules is $3.99 USD and, for four bucks, it’s really not bad. I just don’t think it’s exceptional either. It’s like getting a blowjob from a fat guy in the back of the laundrymat. Sure, it’s a blowjob, but it’s not really what I was hoping for. That being said, it might be your thing. It’s pretty well put together for one guy from Spain, so, check it out!

Get the game on Steam!

Disclosure: We received this game for Free.

Developed and Published by: Copper Pick Studio

For those of you who read my AWESOME caption, here’s that link to IndieDB!

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